When Support Sounds Like Shame

Let’s face it—we’ve all said something cringey in the name of “health” or “honesty.” (I’ve been there, foot firmly in mouth.) But the truth is, supporting someone doesn’t mean micromanaging their plate or policing their pant size. It means showing up with empathy, not unsolicited advice.

This post is a collection of statements we often say—sometimes with the best intentions—that can actually do more harm than good. I’ve included explanations and examples, not to shame anyone, but so we can become more aware and build healthier conversations, not just healthier bodies.

1. "You are so skinny, you must not eat anything!"

Explanation: This statement assumes that being skinny is solely a result of not eating, disregarding the individual's unique metabolism, genetics, and overall lifestyle choices. It can perpetuate harmful stereotypes and create an unhealthy focus on body size.

Imagine someone who has a fast metabolism and naturally maintains a lean physique. Assuming that they must not eat anything overlooks the fact that their body processes food differently, potentially leading to feelings of insecurity or self-consciousness.

2. "Have you gained weight? You should watch what you eat."

Explanation: This statement can be intrusive and hurtful as it assumes that weight gain is inherently negative and implies that the person should be monitoring their food intake. It disregards the complexities of weight management and can be judgmental.

If someone has experienced weight gain due to various factors such as hormonal changes (PCOS) or medication (steroids, antibiotics, estrogen), making this statement can add unnecessary pressure and potentially lead to body dissatisfaction or unhealthy behaviors.

3. "You are so lucky you can eat anything and not gain weight."

Explanation: This statement perpetuates the idea that weight is solely a matter of luck or genetics, disregarding the importance of a balanced lifestyle and individual choices. It can minimize the efforts and challenges others face in maintaining a healthy weight.

Assuming someone can eat anything without consequences neglects the possibility that they might still have to make conscious choices to prioritize their health or have other concerns unrelated to weight. I had a client with Addison's Disease who was on a 3000kc meal plan and didn't gain a gram of weight.

4. "You shouldn't wear that outfit, it makes you look fat."

Explanation: Body shaming and criticizing someone's appearance based on their size or weight is never appropriate. This statement places unnecessary emphasis on societal standards of beauty.

Telling someone that an outfit makes them look fat can lead to body insecurities, self-esteem issues, and can undermine their confidence to express themselves through fashion.

5. "Are you sure you should be eating that? It's not exactly diet friendly."

Explanation: Commenting on someone's food choices in a judgmental or unsolicited manner is intrusive and can contribute to an unhealthy relationship with food. It assumes that everyone has the same dietary goals or needs.

Criticizing someone's food choices can make them feel ashamed or guilty about their eating habits, potentially leading to disordered eating patterns or an unhealthy preoccupation with food. That said, this is sort of a liberty I take with my clients who are currently on any of my programs, and they know that our relationship functions that way.

6. "You should try this new diet, it will make you lose weight quickly."

Explanation: Recommending a specific diet without considering an individual's unique needs and circumstances can be misleading and potentially harmful. It overlooks the importance of long-term, sustainable lifestyle changes for health and well-being.

Suggesting a quick-fix diet may lead to short-term weight loss but can often result in a cycle of weight regain and potentially negative physical and psychological consequences.

7. "You are so big; have you considered going to the gym?"

Explanation: Commenting on someone's weight in a judgmental manner and suggesting exercise as a sole solution oversimplifies the complexities of weight management. It can be hurtful and overlooks individual circumstances, preferences, and potential health issues.

8. "You are too thin, you need to put on some weight."

Explanation: This statement can be hurtful and dismisses the fact that individuals have different body types, genetics, and health considerations. Criticizing someone for being too thin can contribute to body image issues, create unnecessary pressure to gain weight, and potentially mask underlying health concerns.

9. "You don't need to worry about your weight; you are already perfect."

Explanation: While this statement may seem positive on the surface, it can still be problematic. It assumes that perfection is tied to physical appearance and disregards personal feelings, goals, and concerns an individual may have about their weight or overall health.

Dismissing someone's desire to make healthy changes or neglecting their own perception of their body can invalidate their experiences and potentially hinder their personal growth and development.

10. "You should be careful; you don't want to end up being overweight like [insert name]."

Explanation: Making comparisons to others based on their weight can be hurtful. It creates a negative environment and overlooks the importance of treating every individual with respect. This statement can also imply that being overweight is inherently undesirable, reinforcing negative stereotypes and potentially damaging relationships.

Remember, it's crucial to approach discussions about weight and body image with sensitivity, empathy, and respect for individual experiences and feelings.

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When it comes to conversations about weight, size and health - we sometimes don't know what exactly to say and it's easier to assume 'honesty is the best policy' and just to let people know that they need to lose weight. Also harping on and on about 'staying healthy' can quickly get annoying. If you love someone who needs to lose weight for their own sake - here's my suggestions of what you can say that will nudge them in the right direction. These aim to maintain the spirit of support and understanding while offering a slightly different perspective. Remember to adapt them based on your relationship and the specific needs and preferences of the individual you're speaking with so that they reflect your tone not mine.

1. "I want to support your journey towards a healthier lifestyle if that's something you're interested in."

   Why is this helpful: This statement conveys love and support while respecting the individual's autonomy and choices. It recognizes their inherent worth and offers assistance if they express a desire for a healthier lifestyle.

2. "Let's explore fun and active hobbies together that make us feel good both mentally and physically." Why is this helpful: This statement focuses on shared activities and highlights the enjoyment and positive impact of engaging in hobbies that promote physical and mental well-being. It encourages a collaborative and enjoyable approach to health.

3. "I'm proud of you for taking steps towards a healthier lifestyle. Your commitment inspires me."

Why is this helpful: This statement provides validation and appreciation for the person's efforts, highlighting their achievements and the positive influence they have on others. It reinforces a sense of accomplishment and motivates continued progress.

4. "How are you feeling about your health lately? I'm here to listen and help in any way I can."

Why is this helpful: This statement shows genuine care and opens up a dialogue about the person's well-being. It offers a safe space for them to express their feelings and concerns, emphasizing your availability to support them.

5. "I appreciate your efforts to make positive choices for your well-being."

Why is this helpful: This statement acknowledges and values the person's commitment to staying disciplined and reinforces the significance of their choices in promoting overall well-being. It encourages their continued efforts.

6. "Remember, it's not about achieving a specific weight or size, but about feeling strong, energized, and confident in your own skin."

Why is this helpful: This statement shifts the focus away from societal expectations and emphasizes the importance of personal well-being and self-confidence. It promotes a healthy mindset centered around holistic health and self-acceptance.

7. "Let's focus on celebrating our bodies for what they can do rather than how they look. They're capable of amazing things!"

Why is this helpful: This statement promotes body positivity and appreciation by emphasizing the capabilities and strength of our bodies. It encourages a shift in mindset from appearance-based judgments to recognizing the inherent value of our bodies.

8. "I'm here to support you in creating sustainable habits that nourish your body and mind."

Why is this helpful: This statement communicates support and a willingness to be a part of the person's journey towards healthier habits. It emphasizes the importance of sustainable and balanced choices for long-term well-being.

9. "What are your health goals? Let's work together to create a plan that aligns with your values and preferences."

Why is this helpful: This statement encourages open communication and collaboration, recognizing the individual's unique needs and desires. It promotes a personalized approach to health and well-being.

10. "I love you at any size, and I want us to thrive together on a healthy lifestyle."

Why is this helpful: This statement expresses unconditional love while also expressing a desire to pursue wellness as a couple. It emphasizes the idea of exploring and trying new activities or habits together in a positive and loving manner.

So, the next time you feel tempted to say, “Are you sure you should be eating that?”—pause, breathe, and maybe just ask if they’d like dessert instead. Kindness is always on the menu, and unlike fad diets, it never goes out of style.

Remember: people don’t need to be “fixed”—they need to be understood. And if you really want to help someone get healthier, start by being the kind of person they feel safe around.